…but i’m not there yet…

I don’t know about you, but I love goals. Getting to the end of a project and completing it is truly one of the most satisfying things I can think of. Goals=achievement. Goals=success. Goals=good.

The same thing holds true for sports as well. Scoring in soccer? Awesome. Beating the goalie in hockey? Amazing. Hitting a home run? Nothing like it. Again, goals are good. They help us measure how we are doing against a specific standard, established by us or by others, and they give us an idea of how far we have to go if we haven’t achieved it yet. And I have always lived by goals and have been hard on myself when I fall short of them. For me, one of the biggest lies I have fought with my entire life is the lie that “Those who fail deserve to be punished.” So when you combine those two things together inside of me, you get someone who is highly motivated to achieve, who is constantly monitoring to make sure things are going right and who is very harsh when things fall out of line. Or, you get the other half of me that sees the task as impossible to achieve perfectly and gives up before even starting, to avoid failing.

And while this system has caused me to bail out on some amazing opportunities in my life, it also has served me relatively well. I avoid the unknown and work my hardest to control that which is known in front of me. This system kept me single for thirty years and nearly robbed me of the biggest blessings of my life. Under the guise of “waiting for God’s best”, I avoided relationships, subconsciously knowing that they would inevitably lead to the known and would take me out of my comfort zone. But even when the Lord opened my eyes and I married my best friend, I fought to remain in control. Everything Treshia did that was not how I wanted was a point of anger and contention. And having children? NO way. “We weren’t ready for them yet.” Translation: I can’t control them, so I will fail miserably if we have kids. Better to avoid them altogether.

But God blessed us with our first little miracle in Abbie, who was born in 2004. From the moment I held her, my goals changed. It was no longer about me and my goals, but it was about her and protecting and providing for her. Or so I thought….but the reality was my goals had been re-written, but by ME, not God. But I had my goals in front of me and worked hard to achieve them. Two years later, Zach arrived and fell into the same set of goals. Walking, talking, reading books…all by a young age and all while showing brilliance and beauty. Even five years later, when we found out that we were pregnant again (this time with JT), my plans had slipped but I felt like I could still keep things in line and under control. But as you probably know from our previous posts, things completely changed when we found out in 2013 that we were pregnant once again and this time with a little boy with Down Syndrome. Down Syndrome was not something I could control or plan for, no matter how hard I tried. This could affect every single aspect of my unborn son’s life and there was nothing I could do to change things. And when our Timmy was born in early 2014, two months premature, we started to walk a new path of uncertainty and complete lack of control. Goals? Those were virtually thrown out of the door. Now we would simply have to walk the path everyday, taking each step as a new one, not knowing what was in store next but praying that God would help us when we came to the next challenge. Successes would come, but so would feelings of failure. I wasn’t in control! I couldn’t do anything. Without my goals to help define how I was doing, I felt like a failure.

But recently, the Lord bought a question into my head that I have been chewing on and want to share.

3-bec-brown

“What if the goal is not to complete the task or journey, but the journey itself is the goal?” What if getting up every day, facing the unknown every moment and not being able to measure myself up to anything is actually what I am supposed to face? No measurements, no standards, no successes, but also no failures. Just simply living. Taking what the Lord brings to me every day, trusting Him to give me the tools and abilities to face that day’s challenges, and remaining thankful for whatever happens. For some, it sounds like a normal thing. But for someone like me, it sounds like a virtual exercise in hell. With no standards, there can be no success and with no success, there is only failure. Sick isn’t it? And that is where the lie manipulates and does its most damage. If I try to control the impossible, I fail. But if I let go, the lie tells me that I fail. Either way, I am doomed. And I wish I could tell you that I know the solution and have achieved victory over this lie. I try to bring my daily struggle to the Lord, and remind myself that simply following His leading is my goal, but I always seem to find something to beat myself over. But recently, I have begun seeing the lie more and have been able to fight it. Will I ever beat it? Probably not, but it is part of my journey and my goal is to keep moving ahead.

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~ by kuiperactive on June 30, 2015.

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