the fraying rope…

j0382829

Burnout.

What an ugly word. And there is NO way it could describe me and my family, right? I mean, 2014 was a really tough year, but we are past the worrying whether Timmy is going to make it and he is doing a lot better. Right? And compared to others who are facing much more difficult situations, like cancer and such, we have nothing to complain about. Burnout, no way. But then why do both my wife & I, and even our kids, show all of the signs of burnout?

Webster’s dictionary defines burnout as:

burnout (\ˈbərn-ˌau̇t\) – exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration

Exhaustion of physical strength? Pretty much. We both feel like sleeping so much and ulcers tend to be a pretty good sign of stress and a difficult situation, right?

Exhaustion of emotional strength? BIG time. Almost every thing that happens wrong, both at work and at home, seem like almost impossible problems to overcome. Before 2014, things that we would have dealt with and moved on are constant sources of tears and angst. Heck, even my prayers just seem to hit the ceiling and fall with a thud on the floor, and that’s when I have the motivation to even pray. And speaking of motivation….

Exhaustion of motivation? My desk is trashed. My room is trashed. My house is trashed. And I can’t find the strength to clean it and keep up with it. And why do four children now feel like a army brigade? I can’t keep up. I can’t….

And reading that, part of me still wants to deny it. That voice inside my head tells me, “Suck it up! This is nothing. You are being a baby! There are people facing things much more difficult than you are and they are making it, so push on.” But even as that voice screams in my head, part of my heart cries and dies just a little more. I want to be strong. I want to push on. But I feel like my knees, emotional and physical, will collapse soon. But I HAVE TO keep going. Treshia, Abbie, Zach, JT and Timmy all depend on me to do so. I have no choice…

When I looked online for recommendations, the majority of publications seem to have the same solution to burnout: reduce or eliminate the stressors in one’s life. Wow, talk about salt in a wound. I can’t reduce the stress! I cannot just heal my baby boy and make everything OK with him. I cannot eliminate our ignore our mountains of debt that require both of us to work full-time just to make ends meet. And I cannot stop traveling for work because it is what I love most about my job and is a huge part of my job responsibilities. Abbie & Zach have been so strong, but they need Mommy & Daddy to help them deal with their dramas and stresses at work and home. And JT is three, so he is nothing but a overcharged ball of energy, love, noise, joy and frustration. But how many times can we both beg our bosses to let us work from home, in desperate attempts to reduce our burdens and not have to put on a public face of strength for coworkers when all we want to do is cry and sleep? I have no choice…

Surrendering with White Flag

I feel so fragile. Every comment at work can be a source of burden, of draining or worry that haunt me and I cannot seem to muster the ability to overcome them. Others’ passing comments become my obsessions. Internal overreactions seem to a way of life for me now, with myself internally envisioning myself pummeling someone who slightly offended me, dumping months and months of stress into the side of their head. But of course I don’t do it and I beat myself up for begin some kind of monster for even thinking such thoughts. And one more weight gets thrown on my emotional cart. I just want to run, but everyone needs something from me and I have to be strong for all of them. I have no choice…

In Matthew 11:28–30, Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Forgive me Lord, but where is this rest? This burden does not feel light….it feels so overwhelming! I want to be strong, I want to draw my strength from You, I want to find peace and rest in You, but I can’t. Heck, I can’t even hear You. And I am so sorry that the little blessings and moments of escape You give me don’t seem to be enough. Forgive me Lord. I am not strong enough. I can’t do it. I don’t know what to do, but I beg You to give me the strength to take my next step…and then the one after that. Right….Left….Right….Left….

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~ by kuiperactive on April 30, 2015.

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