a rough day…

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Nauseated, terrified, shaky, helpless.

Those words seem to be about the only way I can describe how I feel right now. I have so much fear and trouble inside of me that it feels like it is about to pour out and I cannot stop it. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to yell, I want to hit something, I want to run and run and run. But I cannot. I know I must eat, but the thought of any food makes me nauseated. So I sit here, waiting for my cellphone to vibrate with a message from the doctor. I feel so helpless. So powerless. So out of control.

The idea of my tiny little baby boy in surgery brings tears to my eyes and a cry that wells up from my heart. As they prepared Timmy for his “procedure”, they gave him some drugs that would help simulate sleep conditions, putting him under enough for them to monitor him, but not as deeply asleep as under anesthesia. Unfortunately, the drug is very slow acting, taking up to 45 minutes to kick in. At first, Timmy seemed to be OK, but within twenty minutes, he began to struggle badly. He began to trip out pretty badly, losing control of his body while trying to fight falling asleep. He cried in a way that I had never heard before, a desperate, pitiful cry for help from his mommy, who was holding him. Both Treshia & I wept as we heard our precious boy fighting, knowing it was best for him but also knowing he was so uncomfortable and there was nothing we could do for him. Again, I felt helpless…and so out of control.

As we spoke with each of the doctors who will be operating on Timmy, we heard each of them describe what they would be doing during their portion of the operation. They described a variety of procedures, virtually all of them ending with a “but we don’t know until we get in there” type of line. We tried to be patient as each of them politely deflected our desperate attempts for some definitive answers, knowing that there are too many unknowns to know anything for sure. “Will he stay here tonight?” “We really don’t know until we get in there.” “Will he be able to breathe better when he recovers?” “We really won’t know until we get in there.” “How long will it take?” “We really don’t know until we get in there.” I don’t blame the doctors, as they really do not know until they get in there, but I hate their answers. I hate that I do not know. I hate that I cannot do anything to help my boy. So out of control….

And there it is…

The call came in from one of the doctors and it looks like they ended up doing the part of the surgery that we had feared about the most. Observation became operation. Probing became cutting. And our fears became our tears. The pressure, the prayers, the fears all rushed out and there was no holding it back….and we didn’t try. Treshia & I held each other and cried. Our baby boy, our precious fighter had been cut and he will hurt. Pain. I am so sorry son. I am so sorry.

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Five hours…

Wet, pain-filled, half-asleep tears. He is in pain and there’s very little I can do for him. Mommy rocks him and tries to comfort him with love in tears, but it is not enough. Nothing would be enough. Timmy is in pain and cannot get away from it. Even the doctors cannot do any more, knowing that more pain medication could make his breathing problems worse. I will do anything. I want to yell, I want to beg, I want to rip that pain out of him and carry it myself. I am so helpless. Even my prayers feel like they are bouncing off the ceiling and crashing onto the floor. I am still so out of control…

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Fifteen hours…

It is 3am and fifteen hours after surgery. Yet another alarm has awakened me from my sleep on the floor and it is amazing how the three months in the NICU last year have come back. Oxygen pump? No. Feeding pump? No. IV pump? Yup, that’s it. I silence the alarm, call the nurse and then check Timmy….he is soaked. Looks like his diaper gave its all but Timmy kept giving. So, I work with the nurse to change him and then hold my baby while she changes the bed. As I hold him and rock him, he settles down and falls asleep again. Finally, something I can do. I am still completely out of control, and feel so helpless to do more, but for now I am doing what I can. Go to sleep Timmy. Daddy is here.

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~ by kuiperactive on March 20, 2015.

2 Responses to “a rough day…”

  1. Weeping with you and Treshia.
    Hugging you through my prayers for GOD’s miraculous healing.

  2. You’re a rock and a fortress. This little man needs you and you will be right by his side all the way. May God give you the provision and strength you need for each. Spiritual fulfilment and peace in your hearts.
    May each day that goes by, be a new day that you see the miracle of God hands on your family. In Jesus name Amen

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