hitting the wall…

I thought we had gotten pretty tough this past year. Pretty resilient, pretty much ready for anything. But this week, we hit the wall and we never saw it coming. I guess we probably should have, as we were here last year, but we are really struggling. IMG_1677Next week, our little fourteen month old boy, who is still our little baby, goes back into surgery for the third time in his short life. While we are excited that they will finally be able to look at what is going on in his pulmonary system, and hopefully find out why he is struggling so badly to breathe, it is still SO scary. The thoughts of what could go wrong easily overpower the good thoughts but we never acknowledge or even recognize that they exist. We tell others about the benefits of this “procedure” but silently our hearts beat a little harder. And quietly we carry the burdens and fears inside and it eats away. It wears us down and soon we are raw and exposed and exhausted. But we can’t let it show because somehow we believe that we either aren’t supposed to, or that no one will understand what we mean and we will seem ridiculous. So instead we find ourselves fighting more, as we both are living like two raw exposed nerves. We both are tired ALL of the time, catching naps whenever we can and get frustrated why we cannot seem to spend anytime together unless it is while we sleep at night. Our kids, who are easily the most amazing, incredible children walking the earth, get on our nerves and frustrate us to no end. Even our work, which we normally love and believe in, has become a constant source of pain and frustration. Everything seems to be upended and nothing is right. Even the joys in our lives are more like the striped gum we used to eat as kids that thrill for a moment, but soon fade out and are lifeless. We can’t keep going on like this, but will it improve after the surgery? Or is this normal?

Recently I had a good friend tell me that their family got to the point where they had to accept that their similar insanity was simply their “new normal” and the way things were going to be for them. While I completely understand, and even have experienced much of this same thing this past year, I also doubt I have it in me to keep going like this. I silently worrying every night about how my son is going to breathe through the night but cannot communicate this to my wife in fear of freaking her out as well. I wonder how much my precious boy is hampered by the simple fact that he cannot breathe consistently and spends his energies coughing and fighting against congestion, rather than putting those energies into growing and developing. I jump at every sniffle or cough in the other kids, worried that it might be the next cold or bug that Timmy will catch and will have to fight. Even tonight I went into our room to check on him and found him on his stomach for the first time and I almost panicked when I saw that his canula had partially fallen off and his breathing was shallow. I literally put my hand on his back timidly, praying that I would feel it moving and not touch a cold baby. I know I carried similar worries with the other three kids when they were babies, but I don’t remember it being so heavy.

So how do I react to these feelings, to this exhaustion, to this discouragement?

How do I continue to live when I feel like most of the time I am just putting one foot in front of the other?

How do I stay strong for my wife, who feels this burden as deeply, if not more, than I do?

How do I tell my children everything is going to be OK, and that God is going to protect their baby brother, when I am terrified that He won’t?

I wish I could end this by giving some deeply spiritual, moving explanation of how I know God will bring us through, and how He provides a grace bubble around those who need it, but right at this moment I feel pretty lonely. And pretty weak.

OK God, it is time for You to take over now. I really need You right now.

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~ by kuiperactive on March 14, 2015.

3 Responses to “hitting the wall…”

  1. Thank you for your honesty and transparency in this time. You KNOW God will carry you, and there will be grace for this. But that doesn’t negate any of what you just said, and I think it is so freeing to just be real about it. Praying for strength for you.

  2. I am so sorry you know these fears. It’s OK to not have a “deeply spiritual explanation,” because you know deep in your being that He will carry you through the waters ahead, and in the meantime there are others holding your arms up for you, and giving you strength to believe that. I will be praying for each of you in the days ahead, for protection and safety during surgery, for healing, for peace, comfort, and rest.

  3. Brian, I am so sorry that you and your wife are going through this valley. I can only imagine how difficult it is. Thank you for being honest. You are carried on many prayers of a community that is watching and lifting you up to the Father. I ask He will sustain you as you feel like you cannot go on. And, I am praying for Timmy’s healing. I pray the surgery went well today.

    Blessings, Shana Miller

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