9 people you meet in the carpool lane…

I recently had the chance to pick up my daughter and son from school and I noticed something amazing: the car pool lane is like an amazing slice of humanity.  Virtually every walk of life is covered, from the tame to the terrifying, and they all seem to be reflected in the vehicles leaving the parking lot.  So, in celebration of my surviving one of the most frightful experiences of my life, here is my Top People You See in the Car Pool Lane:

1. Man in a Corvette – No “rug in a Bug” here, this guy is facing his mid-life crisis with STYLE. But please don’t break it to him that your minivan could out corner his muscle car. He might cry.

2. Man in a Ford Focus – This is the most pitiable of all drivers and the category I unfortunately fall into. This man gave up his nice car when his kids were born because it was “impractical.” He may try to hide it, but this man has serious repressed anger issues because he is forced to drive one of the most gutless vehicles in human history. Spartacus’ chariot had more guts than this milk wagon and was ten times cooler. Love this man and buy him a Starbucks if you see him.

3. Woman in a Suburban – Feel sorry for this woman. She is not driving this land yacht because it is cool, but because she has twenty-seven children and she is only halfway through her day-long car pool run.

4. Woman in a “blinged-out” Suburban – A sub-set of the previous category, but much worse. Not only is she forced to navigate a mini aircraft carrier through the car pool jungle, but she has to do it in a vehicle that screams, “My husband decorated my car.” More than likely, she longs for a boring minivan, or even a dreaded station wagon, but she is forced to roll with 24“ spinners and chrome everywhere.

5. Man in a nice pick-up – This guy is married to the bling Mom but has to pinch hit for her once a week while she attends her post-traumatic stress disorder therapy group. No worries here, he’s harmless and probably more frightened than you are.

6. Man in a junky pick-up – Rusty 1968 Dodge, gun rack in the back window, chrome dancing girl on the one remaining mud flap, bathing optional. Let him have his way because, more than likely, one cross word will land you in a chipper shredder.

7. Teenager in a junky car – On the surface, this sounds like a scary thing. But, after further review, instant replay shows this young person is trying to pick up his little sibling without being seen. Feel pity. If he or she is seen in a car pool line, weeks or months of ridicule are in their future.

8. Teenager in Mom’s nice car – Scary, very scary. Understand that this young person is no longer seeing or thinking straight. Something happens when they get behind MOM’S car that makes them think they are driving a Lamborghini. A slow minivan? Not when you mash the right peddle to the floor like you are Mario Andretti. Honestly, this person should be forced to trade cars with the man in the Focus.

9. Woman in a minivan – By far, this is THE most terrifying sight on the road today. Some college needs to do a study on this phenomenon because when a woman gets into a minivan, her body chemistry changes. She de-evolves. She could be the great Sabine Schmitz, but the power of the minivan is just too strong. Getting into one of these vehicles is like pulling into Watts-Los Angeles in the middle of the night. You know there is a 50% chance that you are a dead and a guarantee that this will be a terrifying, life-changing experience. Put a Christian fish on the back and you have a rolling apocalypse.

As one of our district Principals said, “Carpool doesn’t build character, it reveals it.” It sure reveals the characters – that’s for sure!

OK, so I could only come up with my Top Nine. Do you have any more characters that you have seen in the dreaded carpool line? Please let me know! It’s always good to hear from “others in the trenches!”

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~ by kuiperactive on March 5, 2014.

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