just what I needed…

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He has a cold.

A cold!!!

A silly cold has caused so much trouble and given us five days of fear, grief and worry.  On one hand, I praise God and want to dance that my little boy only has a simple cold that he can get over relatively easily.  He does not have pneumonia, or RSV, or congestive heart failure, or many other terrifying things that they tested him for… and I praise God for that fact.  But I am saddened and more than a bit angry with God (if I am honest) that my son had to go through such a traumatic series of trials just to find out that he has a cold.  4-6 blood draws, x-rays, feeding tubes, breathing tubes, CPAP breathing, isolation… why???  He has fought so hard, and has been so strong despite being so small.  Why did he have to go through another round of trials and pains?  I wish I knew, but I don’t… and probably never will.

Meanwhile, I am exhausted and struggling too.  Timothy did all of the heavy lifting these last five days, facing such trials and such, but I cannot lie and say that it has not taken a toll on me as well.  I worried a lot.  A LOT.  I thought facing him having a surgery at five days old was scary (and it was!) but I did not realize the fear of watching your child struggle for air hour-after-hour.  Seeing my Timmy fight for air, then to have something completely block his airway and watch his oxygen levels plummet was terrifying.  He would turn white, then start to turn blue and the fear would move in.

Can we get him cleared and breathing again?

Will the nurse respond quickly?

What can I do?

Even when I was not with him, I worried that he would have another incident that would not be seen quickly and something terrible would happen to him.  And through the tests, they threw out words like “RSV” and “congestive heart failure” and the terror of how devastating those could be to such a tiny baby would rush in.

Having lived through a month of my tiny little Timothy in NICU, with up to a couple of months ahead of us, I have come to see how exhausting it can be.  I have come to be so much more understanding of what other NICU parents go through, especially those who endure it for months, not just days.

It takes everything to keep going, and yet life continues to move right outside those NICU doors.

My other kids need their Daddy.

My employer needs me at work every day and my team needs me to lead.

But I have nothing.

And that is where you come in.

Yes, YOU.

Throughout this whole scary adventure with Timothy, I have come to see how critical understanding and loving people surrounding us has been.  Not only our friends have loved on us, cared for us and provided when we needed help, but complete strangers too.

Delivering meals to our door every other day, giving us a hug in the hallway, sending loving Facebook messages and most importantly, lifting our little warrior up in prayer every day.

THIS is the body of Christ in motion!

But one thing has blessed me more than anything, and it is the thing I never would have realized until now.

It is the simple act of listening and understanding.

Not giving advice, not trying to relate to my situation, just listening to my pain and understanding that I am hurting.

Understand that I want to do so much, but I barely have the energy to get up every morning.

Understand that I am having a hard time focusing on anything but a little boy in the NICU.

And understand why I may break into tears at some random point.

But also understand that your hugs, your words of love and your prayers mean more than you will ever know and sometimes are the very things I need most to keep going.

Thank you.

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~ by kuiperactive on February 13, 2014.

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