with all of my heart…

(Editor’s Note: This post was written on Thursday, January 16.  Timothy successfully made it out of surgery and is recovering well.  Brian has another blog about Timothy coming later this week.)

 Well, he is in surgery.  COMPLETELY out of my control, out of my presence and out of my comfort zone.  If I am honest, I am terrified.  I have been struggling with trusting Him into the Lord’s hands and believing that the Lord is good and will protect him.  Every little thing has become “a sign” that we are going to lose him, from the sermon I watched this morning to Timmy’s crying as he left the pre-op room.  It is supposed to be a relatively routine surgery, and the anesthesiologist and the surgeon both are calm and cool, but it is MY son and I cannot be calm.  But I also cannot freak out and make an ass of myself, disrupt the system around here and only make things worse.  I need control and I cannot have it now… and I hate it.

On our way into the hospital, T & I were talking about why we start off doubting God so much and why we have such a hard time believing He will bless us with a successful surgery & recovery.  Treshia said it is that we prepare our hearts for pain, so it won’t hurt so much, but we still can say the right things and still be good Christians.  In essence, we want to have our cake and eat it too, protecting ourselves from pain but expecting the best from God.  Either way, we seem to win without any risk.  But is that truly being a Christian?  Is that truly following Christ, or is that putting myself as the idol and expecting God to bow down and obey me?  And if things go well, then I can tell everyone how “good it is” to trust the Lord and “put my son into His hands”, playing the good Christian cliches.  But if the worst happens and we were to lose him, I can still play the good Christian card and say the right things about him being in God’s hands now, but I have protected my heart the whole time.

So I wonder, am I really loving my Timothy if I am holding my heart back and protecting myself?  And am I inadvertently teaching my other children to put themselves first by protecting their hearts too?  Could a small act like not preparing my heart for hurt actually be a selfless act?  It is not easy (actually it is extremely difficult and more painful) but I wonder if it also allows my heart to love more too?  Can a heart that hurts less love more, or does it take that vulnerability to love like Christ?

So how do I do this?  How do I open my heart to pain?  For me, sitting in an operating waiting room, it means not letting myself think the “What will I do if…” or the “prepare yourself for the worst” thoughts.  Instead, it means I have to love my little boy to the depth of my toes, lift Him to God every time he hits my mind and allow myself to think about how amazing he is.  How fuzzy his little head is.  How big his little feet are and how he has won the hearts of every nurse he has had.  A beautiful, precious little Timothy who I love deeply and am so proud of… with ALL of my heart.

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~ by kuiperactive on January 20, 2014.

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